DAY 04: On Being Religious

I am not a religious person.

Nowadays, however, I’ve wanted to be one. I want to believe in something other than the knowledge of “I think, therefore I am.” In all honesty though, I don’t even know if Descartes had it right.

Yesterday I made this statement: “I am flawed, but I think I’m a good person.” My friend immediately retorted, “Yea, but doesn’t everyone say that about themselves?” Upon further reflection, I realized how uncannily right he was. Everyone can make excuses for their flaws and wrongdoings, and everyone can just as quickly justify that their actions were, in some ways, just—“good.” After all, we are all self-justifying creatures. Can we ever truly ever be sorry? Are things that dual—divided between as ambiguous a word as “good” and “bad?”

Maybe it’s not enough to just think I’m a good person.

Here’s the thing: I can’t make myself believe in God. But I’m willing to try to open up my heart and let Him come in. I can’t say that I believe that God has a “plan” set out for me, and I can’t say I believe that his existence can be proved. But then again, I can’t say I believe in much of anything. How do I live not believing in something’s and anything’s? Have I found my purpose only in an ideal of facing this “crusted self” as I head towards an inevitable death?

What I do remember though is the child who once believed wholeheartedly in the existence of God, and how He and a simple prayer had somehow made hard times better. Something had made sense to this child, and it had made her feel complete.

What happened to that little girl? When did she stop believing?

I can say that she just grew up. I can say that she learned the world was not as simple as good and bad, heaven and hell. I can say that she learned the world was a cruel place with no one to dole out imaginary mercy. I can say she learned that Santa Claus, tooth fairies, and even God didn’t exist. That all that existed was what she knew as real—herself.

But then again, maybe, just maybe, that girl just lost her way. Maybe she just stopped believing because…because…?

I want to find out.